云い殇

  It's December 2nd and that month full of complicated feelings is going far far away, for which I can never make up my mind to be grateful or shameful. So sorry for using this unfamiliar and diatant tongue, cuz I will never write such feelings in a language that you'll be patient enough to read, cuz today I'm the one counting days and looking forward to the end of the month as you did in the middle of November. If what you said in your letter is true, then I'm really putting too much burden on you, for which I'll never wish.

  This is a letter I hope that you'll see, but never read.

  To be irresponsible, I'd rather time had stopped in the exact middle of November, when you were in your deepest sorrow and in the worst need of me. Then I could spend all I have to keep you company, to worry, to morose, to cry together with you. But to be responsible, I wish from the bottom of my heart that you'll be happy.

  Even though you gave me the position for which I should be always grateful, even though it was excatly what I wished when I first knew you, even though it is just one step from what I want now, I know you're a hundred times stronger than Isabella and I'm a thousand times weaker than Jacob. So only he is the exact Edward. I'm wondering whether the promises we made in the past is nothing but childish. Anyway,once made, it will never be broken, at least on my side.

  These days I'm all about tears, struggling and pains in my heart, swearing and assuring to myself that I'll forgive, that I'll forget, like a child acting insane when he's prohibited from what he want, and calming down cuz he's worn out. But the next time he's given the opportunity, he'll still be chasing and running.

  And I am still not mature enough to be an adult.

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